To my friends and family,

I started having dreams again. Weird, illogical dreams that are hard to make sense of. But dreams nonetheless.

It’s been a while since I dreamed. I didn’t dare to, I think now. Too many outside forces stealing away my energy. Stealing, I say, as if something other than myself is the cause of such leakage. Drainage, you might even call it. But it’s me that didn’t plug the holes. Me that didn’t connect the pipes to restore the flow. Me that broke the circulation of my life’s potent juices in order to divert my attention to matters less pressing, less aligned with my true path.

Did I break that flow? Did I disconnect the pipes? Did I choose to let a leak exist to create another somewhere else? No. That would never be my choice. Those things just... happened. Over time. And I could see it happening. I just didn’t have the emotional dexterity to turn that awareness into action. I was on autopilot, seeking blame in external factors. Frustrated with an outcome I probably could’ve predicted.

But even if that were true—the cause of my anxiety being external—the solution was still my responsibility. Solutions, I realize now, were never what I sought. Absolution is what I truly need. Needed, dare I say?

It’s been a few weeks since my mind started opening up again. The dark, perilous cloud of existence is slowly lifting and revealing that creative energy I crave daily. Existing doesn’t seem so bad today. Though tomorrow might be different again. It’s a process, and that process needs to be honored. My responsibilities lie with the people around me. They deserve me at my best. In tune with my identity and aware of my strengths and flaws. I am ashamed to admit I’ve mostly displayed my flaws.

But I’ve learned. About myself and the world I live in. Disillusioned and disenchanted I am with it, still. Sometimes I can fail to see the point in all of this. Though I find solace in it too. If nothing matters, than now is all that matters. Disenchanted, sure, but demotivated? Not really.

I found my energy is best managed when I find release and relief , which only comes at the end for me. I love a good journey, can immerse myself in it, but need conclusions and reflection to see the value and the purpose in it.

A good project is a journey. I have so many of them. Most of them pending, half-finished, waiting for some revelation. Each one taking up small percentages of my brain’s capacity. Slowly filling it up until there’s no space for anything else anymore. No new thoughts, no ideas, no patience, no joy, no happiness. Just emptiness and sorrow. Self-pity, sometimes, I should declare out loud. I owe that one to you.

So as time progressed, about seven years of it, I have come to the conclusion that I must return to who I was. Who I still am, somewhere deep inside. I am closing the loop. And I continue closing all other loops I left pending for far too long. A journey is nice, a project is fun, but it isn’t done until it’s finished. What’s started must be completed. No new loops until headspace has been secured.

I’ll be on the road next time I must write you again. I might choose to be silent for once, for the first time since writing you these monthly letters. Some space to flush my body of the negativity I accumulated over time. Some time to finish what has been pending. Some distance to reconnect with the child within me. The one that dared to dream and mastered his energy. I owe that one to myself.

With love,

Mitch